MNN Part 3: Valirianus on the Lam Calgary RCMP are looking for a fugitive fansubber, Valirianus Lam. Mr. Lam is accused of violating DIC's copyright on Sailor Moon by making subtitled tapes from the Japanese laser discs. Officials at DIC claim that the millions of people have acquired tapes from Mr. Lam thus bypassing them. We now go to our Calgary Correspondant: C.C.: We are now in front of Mr. Lam's residence where an RCMP swat team has raided his house, and found a large collection of video equiptment, and many imported laser discs. Mr. Lam has apparently escaped, as though he found out they were coming just minutes before the raid. Here's one of Mr. Lam's neighbours, Wayne Gretsky, to tell us about what happened. W.G.: Like I just moved back to Calgary like a month ago, eh! I came back here so I could see the new subtitled episodes as soon as Valirianus had them done, that's why I bought the house next door, eh! Then those Royal Canadian Mounted Pigs had to like ruin it all with this raid, eh! Now I've like gotta like learn Japanese, eh! C.C.: How do you respond to DIC's charges that Mr. Lam is hurting their business? W.G.: Like, as if DIC was ever going to get around to dubbing those episodes. The only thing hurting their bussinness is the fact that they're lazy and stupid, eh! C.C.: Thank you Mr. Gretsky! W.G.: Call me Wayne, eh! C.C.: O.K., thanks Wayne, eh! We now go back to the MNN newsdesk with a late breaking story! We now go to our U.S. corenpondent at a press conference where a prominent DIC executive will be answering questions about their dispute with Mr. Lam D.E.: We at DIC are _legitimate_ importers of animation, we payed big bucks for the monopoly on importing Sailor Moon, that way we can take our sweet time to dub the episodes when we feel like it! Anarchists like Mr. Lam violate that monopoly by providing the original version with subtitles, they don't even do it for profit! Sounds like a Communist plot to me! Now there's a question from the reporter in the plad jacket and hat over there, holding the beer. MNNC: Actually it's Moosehead beer, eh! Anyways, how do you answer the charges of many people on the internet that your just being lazy and stupid by not getting more episodes dubbed? D.E.: This is America! American law protects the rights of the initiatively disadvantaged and the shrewdness chalenged! How dare these people commit such a hate crime against us! What a horible missuse of the information superhighway! The internet should only be used for what it was meant for! Downloading pornography! MNNC: Wasn't the internet originally meant to pass scientific research amongst intellectualls? D.E.: We all know those inta-lec-tools were just trading pornography with each other, that's all I've ever seen on the internet! MNNC: Wouldn't that just mean that's all you've ever went looking for? D.E.: Never mind! Anyways, your times up! MNNC: Well then screw you! Ya hoser! D.E.: Gaurds have that man escorted out! [MNN Correspondent sprays DIC executive with beer as he is draged out] [by gaurds.] Here at the MNN newsdesk we have just recieved an anonymous tip that Mr. Lam was given the warning to escape by an Otaku who had intercepted RCMP communications. It is believed that a group of several Otaku's are helping to hide Mr. Lam. Given the technical prowess of the Otakudom they can keep ahead of the authorities forever. In Canada alone there are millions of Otaku who can keep Mr. Lam hidden, get him new equiptment and laser discs, and circulate these bootleg tapes amongst themselves. DIC has offered a $10,000 reward for the capture of Mr. Lam, but the Otaku's are loyal and won't sell him out at any price. This concludes this report of the Moonie News Network. :-) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Steve Allen Richards Subject: Re: MNN 3:Valirianus on the Lam Date: Thu, 20 Feb 1997 19:47:24 -0800 Glen A. Pearce wrote: [SNIPPED] Incoming message from the Otakus: "You want Val back, boys. Why don't you just try and take him? You DiCers step one foot into the field of the otaku wars and watch what happens!" -- _____________________________________________________________________ Things you don't hear every day #17 | Steve Allen Richards | The Thane of Cawdor "Can I borrow your nipples?" |