From: Steve with the Rabid Dachshund of Death® Subject: Why I Don't Translate [VOLUME 1] Date: Tue, 26 Aug 1997 14:58:36 -0400 Note: No, this isn't the first one. And to those of you who "know" and are wondering, yes, there is more to this one. Why I Don't Translate [VOLUME 1] Episode title Nakimushi Usagi no karei naru henshin Usagi Goes Nuts With a Chainsaw. Usagi's mother yelled at Usagi because she left her bras in the dryer. When Usagi got up, she asked her mother where her breakfast in bed was. Usagi's mother called her a freeloader and told her to drop dead. Usagi was about leave when her mother reminded her to pick up her bag. Usagi was very grateful because there was a bomb in it. Usagi was walking around in the street looking for a tattoo parlor when she found a group of kids attacking a cat. She said she was from the ASPCA and all the kids took off. The cat had a Nicoderm patch on its forehead. Usagi yanked the patch off, tearing out a big clump of fur with it. The cat got pissed and Usagi ran away before the cops came. When she showed up at school, the teacher made Usagi stand out in the hall and wait for the pizza delivery guy to show up, but Usagi couldn't wait, so she began eating the chicken fried rice she brought. The teacher was furious because Usagi was going to spoil her appetite. Then, the teacher gave her a counterfeit thirty dollar bill to pay the delivery guy with. Later Usagi was talking about how stupid pizza delivery guys were nowadays. Umino came by and said that his hemorrhoids were killing him. He also said he had a $95 dollar bill. Naru suddenly mentioned Sailor VD. Usagi had to correct her on the name. Naru said that Sailor V was her lawyer and so cool that she never charged unless she won the case. Usagi told everyone that she was really Sailor Venus. Umino freaked because that was a spoiler. Then Naru and Usagi began to converse about the pictures on Umino's wall. They figured that since he had *their* pictures up, they should kick his ass after school. Usagi couldn't wait to punch him in the teeth. Queen Beryl wanted to know if anyone had seen her socks. They were her favorite pair with the green stripes. She said, "Maybe I left them on Earth during my sabbatical to Dubuque." Jadeite said that one of his poker buddies, Moldy, was busy seeking them out with the Sock-O-Seeker 5000. There was a big crowd at Naru's mother's store because she was offering free beer. But there was something wrong with her. Nobody knew it was Moldy with a makeover. Naru introduced Usagi as Sailor Moon to her mother. Her mother knew she didn't have Beryl's socks, so she tried to sell her a hot watch instead. However, Usagi was more interested in a ring. Naru's mother just so happened to have a nice ring that she "found" and would let it go for thirty bucks. Then a fat woman came up and punched Usagi in the face, yet apologized profusely. Someone yelled "dogpile" and Usagi and Naru tried to be funny by crawling away. Usagi was upset because she couldn't pawn of her fake $30 bill. Naru told her she sucked and had to leave. Usagi went outside, crumpled up the counterfeit note, beaned some guy with it, and pretended she didn't notice. He said, "you feel lucky punk?" Usagi told the guy he didn't sound a thing like Clint Eastwood. He looked at the $30 bill and told Usagi it was pathetic. Usagi got mad, took it back, and decided to spend it at a bar. When she passed the Crown game center, which was obviously a front for something else, she noticed that Sailor V was hosting a bake-off. When Usagi got home, her mother said that she found that Umino got caught trying to pawn off a $95 bill. Usagi's mother asked Usagi if she finished her shopping. When she saw the $30, she realized she hadn't and made Usagi go back out to shop because she still needed some ingredients for her brew. Usagi's younger brother, came up and kicked Usagi because he thought she was one of those Sailor Moon blow-up dolls someone had left outside. Furious, Usagi threatened to ram hot pokers up his..., but she didn't get to finish because he ran away. Back at the jewelry shop, all of the women who were lured in by Naru's mom's offer were smashed and passing out. Naru was upset because the AA meeting went awry again. Her mother commented, "Stupid bastards can't hold their liquor." Usagi was getting some rest because she had to go back to the bar later for 70's Kareoke night, when the black cat from earlier slipped in the window in search of fresh bait. Usagi looked over and asked if the crescent moon spot glowed in the dark. The cat snapped, "Of course it does!" Usagi was shocked that it did. The cat introduced herself as Luna and said that she was tracking Usagi down for ripping out the fur on her head. Usagi got upset, said "kiss my ass," and rolled over. Finally, Luna flipped over and popped a piece of jewelry out of her "personal space." Luna explained that they're playing _The Truth About Cats and Dogs_ down at the local theater. "Every time I try to sit down and enjoy the show, the drunks in the jewelry shop next door start making a racket. Usagi, I want you to raid that place." Usagi wouldn't do it without first getting a short skirt, so Luna dared her to say "Loon prism shower." Usagi did and transformed into Sailor Moon just like her horoscope said. Usagi couldn't believe the outfit she was wearing. She was afraid she'd get arrested for wearing it. Suddenly, she heard her conscious tell her "Free James Brown." Luna told her that she left a strudel in the oven. In the jewelry store, the youma was choking Naru and called her their official energy source. Then Sailor Moon appeared and shouted "Yo, that's Brisk, Baby!" When the youma said she had no idea what Sailor Moon was all about, Sailor Moon began reciting lines from Shaft. Then the youma told all the drunk women that Sailor Moon had some black coffee for them. They all got up to get some. Sailor Moon suddenly thought she was fat, but Luna told her not to listen to what ryb had to say. At this moment, Sailor Moon realized she had wet herself and began to cry. Just as the youma was going to scratch her eyes out, someone threw a rose down. A very overdressed guy was standing at the window. He said, "I am Tuxedo Kamen. You'll see me get beat up a lot in the future." But, Sailor Moon was more concerned that her show was low budget and continued crying. To prove this point, the animator started to shake the camera and made everyone fall over. Luna told Sailor Moon to get rid of her tiara because it looked silly. Sailor Moon protested, but eventually tossed it away. The youma, who was allergic to tiaras, got hit by it and disintegrated. Tuxedo said that he had another date and had to leave. Luna told Sailor Moon to look quickly because Tuxedo Kamen's underwear was showing, but she couldn't see it because there were big heart-shaped things in front of her eyes, possibly strawberry runts. The next day at school, Naru said that had the dream where she ended up naked at the local pool. When some of her classmates starting making fun of her, she asked Usagi for help. Usagi didn't even look; she said Naru was strange, too. In actuality, it wasn't a dream and Usagi had taken some snapshots. ________________________________________________________ / Things you don't hear every day #42 \ / "So THAT'S where I left my spleen!" \ /------------------------------------------------------------\ / Steve Allen Richards: Nice guy extraordinare! \ / Replying to me? Decode this: \