Subject: [SCRIPT] Accompanying Why I Don't Translate [VOLUME 1] From: Steve with the Rabid Dachshund of Death® Date: 1997/09/08 Message-ID: <34139357.5622@my.sig> Newsgroups: alt.fan.sailor-moon [More Headers] Why I Don't Translate [VOLUME 1] Script! Parts of the original WIDT episode summary are included for reference and denoted by the '*' character. Psychotic Baker Sailor Moon Episode 1 { Opening Song: "Moonlight Dingleberry" Sorry about the monkeys. I never thought they'd do that. Where's my favorite pair of underwear? See my new Alf lunch box? [Something in Japanese] moonlight. [Something else] midnight. McNuggets don't come in five-packs. And McLeans really sucked. Who's that knocking at my door? Who's that ringing my bell? If it's one of those Amway people, There's going to be hell to pay. Hey, make me a sandwich With Miracle Whip It's better than mayonnaise Miracle Whip. } // end op song "Nakimushi Usagi no karei naru henshin." = "Usagi Goes Nuts with a Chainsaw." -USAGI VOICE-OVER I'm Tsukino Usagi. I like pistachio pudding. I guess I'm not well liked because I was raised by monkeys. -IKUKO Usagi, get your bras out of the dryer! -USAGI Where's my breakfast in bed? -IKUKO Drop dead, you freeloader. Try making me breakfast next time. -USAGI You're that brave? -IKUKO Usagi. -USAGI Don't bother me. I'm on a mission from God. -IKUKO Don't forget your bag. -USAGI Oh, that's right. It's a bomb I'm going to plant at school. * Usagi's mother yelled at Usagi because she left her bras in * the dryer. When Usagi got up, she asked her mother where her * breakfast in bed was. Usagi's mother called her a freeloader and * told her to drop dead. Usagi was about leave when her mother * reminded her to pick up her bag. Usagi was very grateful because * there was a bomb in it. * Usagi was walking around in the street looking for a tattoo parlor -USAGI Man, it's eight o'clock and I haven't witnessed cat abuse yet. * when she found a group of kids attacking a cat. -USAGI Freeze! ASPCA! * She said she was from the ASPCA and all the kids took off. -USAGI Stupid schmucks. Now I've got a free cat. You've got one of those Nicoderm patches on. Let me yank that sucker off. Oh, it seems I've ripped quite a bit of fur out. I'm getting out of here before the cops come. * Usagi yanked the patch off, tearing out a big clump of fur with * it. The cat got pissed and Usagi ran away before the cops came. * When she showed up at school, the teacher made Usagi * stand out in the hall and wait for the pizza delivery guy to * show up, -HARUNA We ordered a pizza. You pay. -USAGI Why me? Do I look like I'm made of money? I don't even like anchovies on my pizza like everyone else. Oh well, might as well eat my lunch instead. * but Usagi couldn't wait, so she began eating the chicken fried * rice that she brought with her. The teacher was furious because * Usagi was going to spoil her appetite. -HARUNA Hey, you're going to spoil your appetite. Here's a counterfeit $30 to pay the guy with. -USAGI This is so fake! -HARUNA So what? * Later Usagi was talking about how stupid pizza delivery guys * were nowadays. -NARU I can't believe the pizza guy wouldn't accept your $30. -USAGI Really. He's about as customer-oriented as a lizard with huge fangs. I think that's right anyway. * Umino came by and said -UMINO My hemorrhoids are killing me. -NARU Shutup, Googlyglasses. You and Mercurius, sometimes I wonder... -UMINO Uh... I got away with passing off these fake $95 dollar bills. -NARU You like movies about gladiators, don't you? ... Did you know Sailor VD is my lawyer. -USAGI That's "Sailor V." -NARU Yeah... there's no fee unless she gets money for me. -USAGI Is she, by chance, Sailor Venus? -UMINO Oh my godd, I can't believe you! -NARU That doesn't happen for like 30 episodes. You just ruined everything. Anyway, I bet Umino has her picture on his wall next to yours. But, it's okay. Mine's on the ceiling. -USAGI That's nauseating to think about. -NARU But I'm getting licensing fees. -USAGI I want some, too. -NARU Let's turn around a kick his ass. -USAGI Isn't that rude? -NARU You've got to be kidding me. Look at him! -USAGI Okay. You hold him down. -NARU We'll wait until after school. -USAGI Can't wait to punch him in the teeth. * -BERYL Has anyone seen my socks? - Ain't found 'em, Lady. -BERYL Damn, they were my favorite pair. You know, the ones with the green stripes. Maybe I left them on Earth during my sabbatical to Dubuque. -JADEITE Hey, Lady, my latest invention... The Sock-O-Seeker 5000... My buddy, Moldy, is already using it as I speak. -BERYL That's cool, man. * There was a big crowd at Naru's mother's store because she was * offering free beer. But there was something wrong with her. Nobody * knew it was Moldy with a makeover. -NARU Holy schnikies! -NARU'S MOM Get your free beer! Free beer here! -NARU What's up with this shit? -USAGI Man, she's got a better angle that AT&T. -NARU'S MOM (as Moldy) One of you has them. I shall find the culprit with the Sock-O-Seeker 5000. Wait a minute. I might be able to make a buck selling jewelry here, too! Maybe the socks can wait. -JADEITE Moldy, did you find the socks? -MOLDY No, not yet. -NARU What up? -NARU'S MOM Hi, Naru, who's this? -NARU Usagi. She's Sailor Moon! -USAGI Oops. -NARU'S MOM Whatever floats your boat. Do you have any green striped socks? -USAGI I don't think so. -NARU'S MOM Damn. Well, but a watch then; they're pretty cheap. -USAGI Screw the watch. How about a ring? -NARU'S MOM Here, I found this in the alley last night. We already buffed off that stupid "love you always" engraving. What do you say... thirty bucks? -USAGI Will you take a thirty dollar bill? * Then a fat woman came up and punched Usagi in the face, yet apologized * profusely. Someone yelled "dogpile" and Usagi and Naru tried to be * funny by crawling away. -FAT WOMAN Terribly sorry, chap. -NARU What else can go wrong? -USAGI I didn't get any tickets for the weird Al concert. -NARU That's what you get for putzing around. I'm history! * Usagi was upset because she couldn't pawn of her fake $30 bill. * Naru told her she sucked and had to leave. Usagi went outside, * crumpled up the counterfeit note, beaned some guy with it, and * pretended she didn't notice. -USAGI Forget that "Smokey" guy. Give a Hoot, my ass! -MAMORU You feel lucky, punk? -USAGI Eastwood, you're not. * Usagi told the guy he didn't sound a thing like Clint Eastwood. * He looked at the $30 bill and told Usagi it was pathetic. * Usagi got mad, took it back, and decided to spend it at a bar. -MAMORU A thirty dollar bill? This is pretty pathetic. -USAGI Shows what you know! ... Yeah, what does he know? I'll bet he has severe Oedipus. * When she passed the Crown game center, which was obviously * a front for something else, she noticed Sailor V was... -USAGI It's strange that Naru's lawyer would be hosting a bake off. I can't bake, but I weave a damn find afghan. * When Usagi got home, her mother said that she found that Umino * got caught trying to pawn off a $95 bill. Usagi's mother asked Usagi * if she finished her shopping. When she saw the $30, she realized she * hadn't and made Usagi go back out to shop because she still needed * some ingredients for her brew. -IKUKO Did you bring my Uranium 238? -USAGI Here's Johnny! -IKUKO How about the rubber undies? -USAGI Yeah... about the shopping... -IKUKO Umino went shopping today, but got into a bit of trouble. He got caught pawning off a $95 bill. -USAGI Who would do a thing like that? (Crap, blew my scheme.) -IKUKO So, where's the stuff? You don't still have the money, do you? What? You didn't pay? Cripes! I need a gallon of lard now! -USAGI But- -IKUKO Pork chops, too! * As Usagi lay out in the street, her younger brother came up and * kicked her because... -SHINGLE You look just like one of those Sailor Moon blow up dolls. And you know what people do with those. -USAGI If you don't watch out, know what I'm going to do next? Ram a hot poker up your- -SHINGLE Not again!!!! * Back at the jewelry shop, all of the women who were lured in by * Naru's mom's offer were smashed and passing out. Naru was upset * because the AA meeting went awry again. -1 Woah. I had one too many. -2 Wipeout! -NARU Did the AA meeting go awry again? -NARU'S MOTHER Stupid Bastards can't hold their liquor. * Usagi was getting some rest because she had to go back to the * bar later for 70's Kareoke night, -USAGI What should I put on my ceiling: mirrors or a disco ball? And what about a red mood light? Ah, it's tough being 14. Well, if I take a nap now, I'll be able to go bar hopping tonight. * ... when the black cat from earlier * slipped in the window in search of fresh bait. -USAGI Does the crescent spot glow in the dark? -LUNA Of course it does! -USAGI It... does? -LUNA My name is Luna. I've been looking for you, Usagi-chan. Ever since you yanked this fur off of my head, I've been tracking you down with the glorious idea of revenge flaring through my mind. However, I took my prozac and mellowed out. -USAGI Kiss my ass. -LUNA You ingrateful snot. Maybe this will change your mind. * Luna flipped over and popped a * piece of jewelry out of her "personal space." -LUNA Pick it up. -USAGI That's pretty gross. -LUNA Listen. There's a movie playing at the metroplex.. It's a good one! They're playing _The Truth About Cats and Dogs_. I have this thing for cats, you know. Anyway, every time I try to sit down and enjoy it, the drunks from the jewelry store next door start making noise. Usagi, I want you to raid the place. -USAGI I need something first. -LUNA What will help you? -USAGI A short skirt. -LUNA Oh boy. I dare you to say "Muun purisamu paawaa, maikappu!" -USAGI Moon prism power, make up? * Usagi transformed into Sailor Moon just like her horoscope said. -SM Oh my godd, look at this outfit! I could get arrested for wearing it! * Suddenly, she heard her conscience tell her -* Free James Brown! -SM Why does my conscience sound like Naru? -LUNA The voice actor came cheap. -SM What the hell? Besides, James Brown *is* free! -LUNA Shit. I left a strudel in the oven. * In the jewelry store, the youma was choking Naru -NARU This role really sucks. -MOLDY You better get used to it. You're our official energy source... We get to attack you a *lot*! * Then Sailor Moon appeared and shouted -SM YO, that's Brisk, Baby! -MOLDY Say what? -SM Uh-huh... I'm the black private dick who gets all the chicks, Sailor Moon! Let's get ready to rumble. -MOLDY Sailor Moon, you steal your lines. Hey guys, Sailor Moon's giving away black coffee. Anyone want to lose that hangover? * Then the youma told all the drunk women that Sailor Moon had *some black coffee for them. They all got up to get some. -SM Coffee doesn't cure hangovers! ... Look! I'm fat. -LUNA Don't listen to ryb. * Sailor Moon suddenly thought she was fat, but Luna told her * not to listen to what ryb had to say. At this moment, * Sailor Moon realized... -SM I can't believe this. I wet myself. * and began to cry. Just as the youma was going to scratch her * eyes out... -MOLDY I got more reach than Jordan. * someone threw a rose down. A very overdressed guy was * standing at the window. -MOLDY Damn it! -Tuxedo Mask I am Tuxedo Mask. You'll see me getting beat up a lot! -MOLDY I can hardly wait. * Sailor Moon was more concerned that her show was low budget * and continued crying. To prove this point, the animator * started to shake the camera and made everyone fall over. -LUNA Get rid of that tiara. It looks silly. -SM But, I like the tiara. -LUNA Lose it, Woman! * Sailor Moon protested, but eventually tossed it away. -SM Money Access Center! * The youma, who was allergic to tiaras, got hit by * it and disintegrated. -SM Er... oops. -JADEITE Moldy couldn't find the socks. -Tuxedo Mask Well, that was fun, but I've got another date. -LUNA His underwear is showing! -USAGI I can't see. * Luna told Sailor Moon to look quickly because Tuxedo Kamen's * underwear was showing, but she couldn't see it because there * were big heart-shaped things in front of her eyes, * possibly strawberry runts. * The next day at school, Naru said... -NARU I had an interesting dream. It's the one where I'm swimming at the pool, but I forgot my suit. -CLASSMATE_A That's messed up! -CLASSMATE_B You're sick! -NARU C'mon guys. Usagi, help me out. * When some of her classmates starting making fun of her, * she asked Usagi for help. Usagi didn't even look. -USAGI Shutup. Naked in a public pool. What a wacko! ... It wasn't a dream... and I got pictures. { Ending song: "Cocoa puffs" I know a guy who's kind of old. He's really cool, but never cold. He's a strong-willed man, cranky to boot, but you'd be too- with friends like Newt. Never afraid to take a stand on heath care or school. He's always been one to stay in control. Forever on a roll, He's the man called Bob Dole. } ________________________________________________________ / Things you don't hear every day #44 \ / "No, I won't accept your million dollar bribe." \ /------------------------------------------------------------\ / Steve Allen Richards: Nice guy extraordinare! \ / Replying to me? Decode this: \ / Spamming me with a Usenet bot?: Try this adress \